every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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