I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
my poor anus
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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