Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
