Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
