Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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