How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
