I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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