Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
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