i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
