Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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