I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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