so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
