sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
