You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
