I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
