I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize