my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
