she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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