you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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