he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize