There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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