thus making me awesome and them whores
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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