ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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