Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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