I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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