Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
