i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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