i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
