I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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