I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Randomize
