i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
