It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
