got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Congratulations! We have a period
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
