I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
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