I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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