i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
