11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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