Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
