best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
