when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
