I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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