I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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