OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
