Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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