I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
