Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
