there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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