I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
