Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
