Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
