I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize