There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
