Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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