hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
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