I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
