I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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