Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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