There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
