We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Ladies don't puke and tell
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
