thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
