Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
