Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Enjoy the penises
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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