I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
