when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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