Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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