Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
